How couples with kids can transform 13 common relationship fights into closer connection, from popular Instagram counselors Erin and Stephen Mitchell (@couples.counseling.for.parents).

Parenting changes a couple’s relationship in fundamental ways, but most parents are too exhausted from the demands of life, work, and engaging their kids to prioritize their relationship. This can lead to repeated conflict and an overwhelming sense of anxiety, anger, hurt, and loneliness…just when you need your partner’s support the most. The good news: conflict is actually a sign that you are trying to connect with your partner—you’re just stuck in an old pattern of communication.

In Too Tired to Fight, Erin and Stephen Mitchell use their 20-plus years of counseling experience to walk couples through the 13 conflicts that are not just normal but necessary to keep a partnership strong once kids enter the picture, including:

In each scenario, they show how this conflict plays out—and offer scripts, questions for reflection, and their tried-and-true Conflict to Connection Equation that couples can use in the moment to communicate true repair and resolution. Their secret: by expressing your feelings and intentionally listening to your partner—not just venting or reacting to your stress-response system—you can work through the “pain points” of parenthood together and actually make your relationship happier and healthier as a result.